i didn’t have time to thoroughly spell check this so please bare with me for any typos or grammatically incorrect
I've been MIA for about 2 1/2 days almost 3 days. I’ve missed calls and text or should I say ignored some on purpose and the others were never heard as I kept my phone on silent and I think at one point it was dead and i don’t know for how long. I haven't even spoke to my assistant who is amazing and I feel bad not being there to answer questions but she really is the best and I think she may know what's going on without knowing what's going on. I have had no social media presence either and I even missed an important meeting with someone I was looking forward to meeting with all because I was in bed staring at nothing, going back and forth with myself telling me that I won't feel this way forever because it's the same old song and dance I have gone through for years but wishing that I could sit this one out and just feel normal for a change. And I’m very hard on myself when I get like this and my anxiety gets through the roof thinking of all the DMs and emails from customers wanting to know where their order is and 90% of the time they aren’t even close to their processing times. Which i recently changed for a number of reasons I’ll talk about in a different blog later. I can only describe my life as being on a rollercoaster 24/7 and feeling nauseous at every twist and turn about 90% of the time. The world either seems like it's on my side or that it wants to devour me at every corner. Feeling like no matter how much I put in I get no where. I send off orders and I still have over 400 and I’m forgetting things and I get behind on processing days when I should have been caught all the way up a month and a half ago when I has my first traumatic event that led to me being behind. And if it crosses your mind NO I will not shut my website down and stop taking orders because it has nothing to do with that.i let my store sell out because I know how inventory I can make in a month. And If I owned a physical store shutting it down wouldn’t be an option. I’ve been working at high volumes like this for over a year and I love it. But oh at the rate I’m selling I can tell my business is getting hit by my mental illness and so I intend to stay away from my store all together so i can avoid the anxiety of underachieving which Im not used to especially when I’m as passionate as I am about what I do for a living. But it should never be that way and I know it but the anxiety I get I can’t even describe it’s so intense. I can’t stand letting people down so to hear it from 1 to 2 customers a day can definitely trigger something that shouldn’t be triggered. It wouldn’t be talked about though if I was on my shit. But no I’m here, STUCK, waiting for this part of my mental illness to fade away and replaced by one of my favorite phases of bipolar. The hypomania part :): There is rarely an in-between of feeling "normal". I never know how long it will last I just know FOR ME there does come a point where if I dig deep within I can pull myself out so when it becomes my choice I leave and hopefully get out soon enough to have a normal living. But that’s if something in my messy ass life doesn’t trigger my hypomania. So I ride the wave and time my life around this treatable disorder with symptoms that can either cripple me or make me one of the most creative artists in my niche by tapping into what feels like an experience in a fairytale. It really is all magical. Some weeks it feels like i have all the confidence in the world to run a successful business with an actually small team and real people paid by me. If you knew my past, and you will find out through these posts eventually, then you know how big this really is. So some weeks i feel like a wire wrapping warrior that is breaking several different stigmas so people can find someone to relate to while wearing beautiful jewelry that, IMO, really shows unique and neat craftsman ship and the other weeks I feel like im one day from losing it all, and i promise im not AT ALL. Im not out here taking any any money from Peter to Paul either. I don’t play with peoples money. But anyways because I have a disorder that at times, depending on triggers, has me in a chokehold.
I own Dasanni Speaks Wire Jewelry and Bipolar owns me. At least that's what it feels like at times. But I promise y'all I am owning it day by day but some days it really does feel like that. Anyways! Welcome to my Depression Phase of My Bipolar II Cycle. Leave a comment and let me know how I did on my first blog post, or if you could relate or what topics you want to discuss
An estimated 4.4% of US adults experience Bipolar disorder at some time in their lives and in a 2001-2003 a study was done that showed 2.8% of US adults have Bipolar Disorder.
I am part of that 2.8% diagnosed with Bipolar. I was diagnosed back in April 2020. I was misdiagnosed with depression for a long time which is a common thing with people who are bipolar but that will be another blog for another day. But Bipolar is basically when you have these dramatic shifts between moods, energy and activity. I basically have two moods. Constant panicking and worrying about every detail or shoulder shrugging, it is what it is. I feel like sleep is for the weak or I'm sleeping for a week (well not really a week but you get it). There really is no in between for me and I rarely feel normal. Let me educate you real quick though before I tell you what it's like for me to live with Bipolar II! And also in no way shape or form am I a therapist and this blog should not be used to self diagnose or to make choices in your life. I am just trying to get this out there so that my customers may have a glimpse of what my life looks like when I seem to seamlessly disappear and reappear. So please if you feel like you have this disorder or can relate or just feel like something isn't right I urge you to go seek help :) Any facts I give are of my own experience or fact checked behind years of just reading and studying.
The two most common types of Bipolar is Bipolar I or Bipolar II. The main difference between the two is the intensity in which mania persists.
Bipolar I people usually have manic episodes lasting AT LEAST 7 days or symptoms so severe they usually need immediate hospitalization. Depressive moods usually happen as well, typically lasting two weeks. Bipolar II people usually have a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but not full blown mania or as severe as the mania that shows itself in Bipolar I. So even though both types experience mania it is the intensity in which they are or last that makes manic and hypomanic different. As I type this I wonder if you guys picture me like they portray on TV or movies? One second I am bawling uncontrollably and the next second I think I can jump off a 20 story building and fly. And to be honest it does feel like that at times but just not that intense and well for me, I know better than to jump off a 20 story building. I try to keep to no higher than 2 stories. lol I kid, a little bipolar humor. lol
Both manic and hypomanic episodes include 3 or more symptoms of feeling abnormally upbeat, jumpy, wired, increased activity, exaggerated sense of well-being and self confidence or my favorite word EUPHORIA. TRIGGER WARNING: I've lived quite a life so don't judge me BUT if you are like me than you know the EUPHORIC feeling of that first hit when you are on an upper and you feel like you can take over the world and nothing seems like it can go wrong and you just love everybody and everything and you can't contain yourself and you hope that you stay like this FOREVER or if you can't relate to that then it feels like being on an adrenaline rush ALL THE TIME and then......YOU CRASH. So for Bipolar I you have mania, and for Bipolar II you have HYPOmania. Mania and Hypomania can show its self in lots of different ways. For my hypomania I really do feel untouchable. It's like I can feel creativity, and organization, and hardworking RACING through my veins fueling me days of coming up with new designs and organizing my space and making sure my social media presence is A1 and that I am doing my very best. I feel like no matter what life throws my way I'll throw it back harder. I rarely sleep and at times I am up for 48 hours and have to MAKE myself lay down and at least rest, but my mind still sits there and designs jewelry pieces in my head that if I don't write down I just have to wait until the next mania to unlock again. My longest mania of no sleep last 5 days. I am still confused on how my body was able to function. I had witnesses that said that I was more coherent than they are on their best day of sleep. I always have to be careful though because honestly that is my favorite part of being Bipolar if I had to pick one. This increased libido of creativity that shows itself in ways that I couldn't have even imagine, takes grip of my mind and I try to hang on to every last drop because I know my time is limited before I am back to feeling worthless, but content. And I always seem to execute exactly what I designed in my head and for any artist that is one of the best feelings. I also am able to fill orders like a wizard. I have a routine in which I package everything that keeps it smooth and I admire my handwriting as I hand write a note to EVERY single customer to date. I still can't believe how many handwritten notes are out there and I NEVER get tired of doing it either. I make sure their package is made to bring joy and love and that when they receive it in the mail you aren't irritated with me anymore because I was behind or because I told you I was going to ship it tomorrow and it ends up being 3 days later because I didn't know I was about to come down off of my mania because that has been happening a lot but I came up with a solution for that but that's not what this blog post is about lol. I try to imagine my customers opening their packages and feeling the same euphoric feeling I'm feeling at that very moment.
But as beautiful as that feeling is there is a downside because tend to forget things a lot. I have postcards with reminders or ideas or thoughts or supply list EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I find myself finding these notes and having to decipher them because sometimes they make sense right away and sometimes they don't. I tend to tell customers that I can do something for them and I CAN its just that if I don't tell my assistant right away then I forget and I hate any correspondence when Im in a depressive state because it really does hit my core. BUT that is why I have always had someone in place for correspondence BEFORE it got to be overwhelming for me. I used to just be uncomfortable but over the last few months Ive really tried and stay far away from correspondence because things aren't normal and people are waiting longer and Im harder on myself than anyone can be but I changed my processing times to be able to accommodate that and let people chose if they still want purchase from me. Crazy thing is, is that for my volume my processing times are very normal and I have one of the most nicest processing times are far as fixing if I go past them with an order. I found so many sites that would say that they STILL can't guarantee that your order will go out in the estimated times but they will basically try. With me I understand that word is bond but with these last couple of months words have been more jumbled than anything but I alway seem to pull it off. But I am getting more and more tired of that as I learn how to be more efficient with time. But yes, forgetfulness is a HUGE thing in bipolar. I also find myself being a lot more extroverted and I have these ideas of wanting to make sure that I am always accessible to my customers and thinking of ways to make them feel like they are family but when there are 11,000 of you that can be draining. And I am an over-sharer by nature and I hate it so a simple convo with another customer that is chatty can use up a good amount of time and let that happen with a few customers and by the time I'm finished I've lost half the day with convos that I love and cherish but really can take up time needed to make orders because with efficiency time management is a huge thing. AND I AM LATE EVERY WHERE I GO lol I am a lot better because a friend once told me, " You can't get time back so don't go wasting mine by being late" ") I have taken that everywhere with me. But taking care of the customer is something that I will never deter from. They are the heartbeat of my business.
I've learned to take this part of my disorder and maximize it to the best of my ability, within reason, because remember everything that goes up, MUST come down. For me manias can last for about a week and half and then one day I go to sleep and I wake up and I can't get up. Sometimes my body will hurt because I finally laid down from exerting all my energy and my body sinks into this dark abyss where I am too relaxed almost. Then comes the tears at any and everything but being the person I am I try to stop them at every chance. For the first few days I chose to peel myself out of bed and I chose to fuel my body with fuel and I chose to speak to people even though every ounce of me is miserable. Hating life and not wanting to kill myself but just wanting the pain to go away. Hours of me giving myself pep talks to get out of the funk I should never be in because life may not be perfect but I have more than enough o be grateful for, which slips me deeper because now I feel ungrateful and like I don't deserve this success if I can't appreciate it. I remind myself though that in about a week I will make it all up and clean house and everything will be good again. Around day 4 or 5 is when I disappear because I am sick of telling people sorry that I took longer than normal to answer them or that I am sorry I haven't been around for a couple of days and I let everything negative consume me. I don't like to fill orders when I am like that because I feel like I am sending out hate into the world and I really do want every piece made with love because I really do love what I do. Some times though, the depression doesn't have me like that. I just tend to seem very melancholy and I'm just basically trying to get through to what feels normal again. I feel like in between my hypomania days and my depression I may feel a week or less where I feel normal but I am constantly checking to see if I am in a mania any time I laugh or feel happy and that can be draining as well. And If I am completely honest I am just waiting for the next Manic episode so I can make up for the lost time. Is that healthy? Prob not. Do I care. NOPE but I am learning how to maintain what some people would call my High Functioning Bipolar because before I owned a business staying in bed was never an option. I ALWAYS showed up to work to make sure I was the best. Now it's just me and like I said some days can be very challenging but I am working on ways to make sure I hold myself accountable. For instance writing this blog. I am learning to not make myself feel bad about taking days off. I am not sure why and hopefully therapy will bring this out but I feel this obligation to be 110% in when it comes to my business or I'm underachieving somewhere. And I am learning that isn't healthy at all. Why I equate taking care of my family as a means of love in traditional society I don't show love in the conventional way. I like to explain it this way.... "If my kids want a bedtime story before bed I will do whatever it takes to buy the whole library but they have to find someone to read it to them." Affection wasn't a huge thing when I was growing up. My mother took care of me and loved me with all her heart but she never hugged me or told me she loved me and so I do see how that may have help aid in my disorder progressing especially after my moms passing. But like I said not healthy so I am learning ways to help with that now that I know that it wasn't normal. ANYWAYS, triggers are the things that I can control.
I'm learning what my triggers are as well because triggers are ultimately what brings people to their mania stages. High levels of stress, lack of sleep, drug or alcohol abuse, significant life changes like moving or divorce, pregnancy and giving birth, loss of a loved one, traumatic experiences and there are many more. Of course with everyone their triggers are different but no matter what the trigger I have to learn to recognize it and remove it from my life because it really can effect me whether I want it to or not. So CONSTANTLY being aware is something I deal with as well. I've noticed that I never leave my home anymore either because I feel like I can control my tiggers here and the less people I have in my life the better my mental health tends to be. I also have a son that was recently diagnosed with Anti Social Personality Disorder and if anyone is familiar with that they are basically a walking trigger. That's also another blog for another day. My mania and depression episodes have gotten worse over the past 5 months and that is another reason why I decided to start this little blog. One of the ways I deal with my mental health disorder and life is being transparant and showing y'all that even though I look like I am on top of the world all the time because social media tends to wrap people in this bubble of everything is always rainbows and unicorns, which is not true at all. Some people go to support groups and I bring the support group to you in hopes that someone can relate to my messy ass life and feel like they aren't alone because let's face it. No one really wants to feel alone all the time.
At the beginning I know that I said I own Dasanni Speaks but Bipolar owns me, but I don't want it to be that way. I advocate as much as I can for people to take care of themselves and to put their mental health first but I have definently not practiced what I preached as much as I know I should be or could be. And as I prepare for this major move from one to state to the next I know that I really need to watch what is going on around me and I am looking forward to sort of a do over with life and with the small amount of people in my lives because Bipolar can definetly effect relationships around you.
I have been working on getting on a schedule and being more efficient in running my business. And I am actually doing an amazing job. But for the last TWO years STRAIGHT I have put my customers and my business ahead of my needs and the needs of my family. I have dedicated every waking minute to making sure that I bring an experience that is above the industry standard when it comes to small business. But in the wake of trying so hard to make sure of that I have but myself on the back burner and if I don't stop doing that now then there won't be a Dasanni Speaks and really couldn't imagine my life without it and don't want to. So I am hoping that this blog not only gives insight on what it looks like to live with a mental illness, but what it looks like to be a mom with one, and be in a relationship with one, and to run a business with one. But most importantly I hope it makes someone else feel alone including myself. I am not worried about my business failing because I a very hard worker and I KNOW exactly what I need to do to get back on track. I really have been diligently working on myself and making sure that everyone gets the best part of me and learning how to reach out to people to let them know that I am not ok and most importantly NOT FEELING BAD for needing to take days off because I honestly don't want many but being proactive is important in keeping ahead of this if I want to stay off of medication, because I do want to stay off medication. I want to be able to wake up and say today I need a day off even though I told that customer that I would mail their stuff off and not feel horrible about it. I can get to it tomorrow if I take care of myself today. I hope that I get customers that buy and continue to buy based off my mission and not based off a trend because there are going to be times that I may be a couple of days behind, UNLESS you pay for rush processing, I will always make sure I take care of those. lol One of the worse feelings is when you are already down and you have a customer tell you how disappointed they are in you or your company and that is NEVER want I wanted. Like I said I dedicated TWO years straight to making sure that never was the case and I failed. I am also aware that this is a consumer relationship and to be honest I never missed a deadline until my life unexpectantly took a turn in November 2021, in which I am still facing remnants of that. If you know what I am talking about then great if you don't then I am sure you will hear about it in one of these blog posts. I am done acting like I have everything put together because I do believe once I admit that things will actually come together. I can't get to every single customer either but I try my best to update people on what's going in and it seems like no matter what it still gets missed so I am hoping that by giving you insight into my world it will help you deicide if you want to buy from me in the first place or maybe how you approach me when I do come in contact with you. I am the type of person that doesn't mind saying sorry but I do go on the defense even though y'all have no idea what I'm going through lol I am also hoping that just getting this out will make things that much better. To be honest I can feel myself getting better with each moment. I do know that I also tend to want to write when I am in my "normal" or depressive states but I promise not to be a Debbie downer. I want to educate people and not only break the stigma but teach people how to maximize the "broken" part of them so that you can step on the necks of your doubts and fears and then walk over them like they never existed. AND ALSO I am not late like that on orders. EVERYONE is getting their order I PROMISE. It is just at times it is a little behind schedule or people think they don't have to wait the whole processing time. I am in the middle of a life shift and so if you are wanting your jewelry ASAP then you need to pay for rush processing. Trust my assistant will get it to me. But I have had a lot of people order and then a week later DEMAND their order or to know where it is and I am sitting here looking at 500 orders ahead of yours, which is normal for my business and I need people to understand they aren't the only person. For the most part I have one of the most amazing customers out there that hype me up and understand or want to understand what I am going though. I will say I am going to do better at checking my calendar because with this disorder I am noticing that I get my days mixed up a lot due to lack of sleep and I tell people that I can do something only to find out its the 6th and not the 4th and it just is a whole mess. So I am defiantly going to do better at that because if I told you that your order was going to ship within 72 hours and it didn't 9/10 I just found a pile of sheets from the date before yours that I though I did and didn't and it just turns into a whole mess that could have been avoided if I wouldn't have jumped the gun and let my assistant know that I was ready for the next batch cause I'm in a
I GOT THIS" mania. I am so sorry about that.
So with that being said I think this may be a good stopping point even though I could go on for days. I am not sure how often I will post in here but it will be often. And also if you are reading this and are interested in adding blog post to my website that have to of with mental health and or healing then please reach out to customer care at email@example.com.
I am super excited for my new drop that will be coming called the "Crystal and Healing" Collection, which will include beautiful, sparkling crystals and natural stones. I'll have a chakra nose hoop to beautiful L bend designs that you have never seen before. I pray that I continue to bring you guys timeless pieces that are not only trendy but classy enough to wear for years to come.
And remember guys one thing that I do know for sure is that I will always be the best mom I can be and I will always keep this business going. I know how to say sorry. I don't mind giving back refunds and I know that this won't last forever. So thank you again for rocking with me but I am asking for patience as I reset my life and stop pretending like I have my shit together case this whole single mom, entrubipolarhsip thing is NOT going to win and IS NOT going to break me. I will be starting therapy here very soon and I hope that I will continue to share my experiences in hopes that it helps you or helps you understand anyone you may know with a mental health disorder.
And wow I just realized it is actually Easter and I'm in here not knowing anything but wire, beads and tools. I apprecaite and love you guys and here's to taking charge of my mental health!!! Estrella, I'll see you tonight after I post :): sorry for ignoring you. Hopefully after this I can do better at reaching out to people. It’s Only been 3 days and I am ready to get back to work because FOR ME how long so stay jn my depressive state starts to become a choice after a while. I pride myself in how hard I work and if I could do it 24/7 i would but that’s not good for me or my family and I am trying to maximize every part of me not just the mania parts lol. I’ll be back to the grind after I post on Instagram at 8pm I’m hopting that sharing this journey gives you insight on what it likes to live my life and bipolar can really suck but I love it so much because I honestly wouldn’t be me without it. But to my assistant again, thank you for helping me keep everything together even though you didn't know that what was you are doing.lol you being organized and keeping me on top of my shit helps me with my mental health more than you know. You really do put up with my manias the best! lol
Make sure y’all are following Instagram and watching stories and recent post. There’s always tons of info in them and we use stories to hear your voice on things from everything to mental health to what type of jewelry you may want added. Even if you don’t Instagram in your daily life just use it to grab exclusive discount codes as well. Turn it post notifications and never miss a thing!
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